


Wade, No

by orphan_account



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Flash Thompson Being A Jerk, No Beta, One Shot, We Die Like Men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:55:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22335880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Wade wants enchiladas with Taco Night and Peter is just tired.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Wade Wilson
Comments: 10
Kudos: 176





	Wade, No

Peter's phone starts ringing and his physics teacher gives him a pointed stare. Peter digs it out of his back pocket and looks at the caller ID. With a sigh he picks it up. He puts it on speaker to satisfy his teacher, who continues writing on the board as she listens. 

"Baby boy!" Peter's phone calls out into the room, and Peter holds back another sigh. 

"Wade, now isn't really a good ti-"

"You're in class - how bad could it be!"

"Yeah I'm in class, but you're also in class."

"No I'm not! I am a grown man!" The man-child's voice comes through. 

"I mean you're on speaker."

"Well turn it off then. Easy solution!"

"Has to stay on. Teacher's rules."

"That's utter bullshit." The teacher turns to Peter with a glare. 

"Agreed, but my teacher wants you to stop cussing."

"Well, fuck your teacher."

"Wade, really?"

"Yes really! Tell me they're attractive, _please._ "

"Shut up Wade. Let's just get this over with - why'd you call?"

"Ooh! Okay, so I was thinking enchiladas with tacos tonight! How _great_ would that be?"

"Wonderful, Wade. Make sure you get the ones from _5th_ street and not _6th_ street, and if you come home with ones from some shady truck I will take one of your gu-"

"You would never, baby boy," Wade lightly teases and Flash sees the perfect opportunity to heavily tease. 

"Baby boy?" Flash snarls. "Is that your sugar daddy on the phone, Penis?" Ruffling and metal clanging together can be heard and Peter doesn't hold back his sigh this time. 

"Now you've done it," he says to Flash, and then to the phone, "Wade, you unpack that duffel bag right this second or there will be no enchiladas tonight! He's a minor. You hear me? A _minor_." The noises stop for a moment, and Flash is about to remark on his inappropriate misinterpretation of the situation when a defiant zip comes from the phone. 

"Wade -" Wade hangs up. 

"And I actually wanted enchiladas too," Peter mutters and slumps back in his seat. 

The next ten minutes are filled with physics questions and more of Flash's teasing than usual. Peter isn't phased by any of it. Then, there's scuffling coming from the ceiling and he looks expectantly at the vent opening. There's more rustling and the students are expecting a racoon to drop down, so imagine their surprise when Deadpool drops down with his infamous duffel in tote. He spots Peter and walks towards him, and even Flash prays for Peter's life. 

"Baby boy!" Deadpool greets cheerfully. Peter stares at him calmly, sipping from an apple juice box that was no where near the second before. 

"Wade," Peter greets, voice clipped. And, hold on, Peter has _Deadpool's_ number? The teacher also has a number, which is 911 and it's being dialed right now. 

"You've got five minutes before the police show. No scarring anyone - mentally or physically - no interrogating, no torturing, yadda yadda yadda, and definitely no unaliving. Got it?" Deadpool crosses his arms and it's obvious he's pouting even with the mask on. 

"You're no fun!" he whines. 

"Yeah, a no fun law abiding citizen." Deadpool snorts. 

"Yeah, your nightly activities say otherwise." Peter raises an eyebrow at him. 

"I mean - you're the sweetest, most law abiding citizen I've ever met!"

"I'll take it."

"So, who was it that insulted you, hm? I just wanna chat."

"Wade, seriously, it's fine. It's just Flash - you know how he is." _Deadpool_ knows how he is? Flash is fucked. 

"All the more reason!" Deadpool replies with a hand clap. He turns to the desk behind Peter's, where Flash is _this_ close to shitting himself, frozen in fear. 

"You fit the description!" Deadpool says with an accusatory point. Flash would gulp if he wasn't frozen in fear, now with the added bonus of shock. 

"So! You're the Flash I've heard so much about!" 

"None of it was good things. Why did you think messing with Peter would be a good idea?" His tone suddenly drops an octave or two and it is very deep and very terrifying. The sudden seriousness is almost more terrifying than any gun Deadpool has. 

Flash doesn't answer. 

"Don't have a reason? No matter, because now I'm giving you a reason to stop." Flash stiffly nods. 

"Good. Now, don't even _breathe_ in Peter's direction, or so help me Thor, I _will_ skin you alive."

"Wade," Peter's still bored voice cuts in. 

"Yes baby boy?" Deadpool's tone turns to cheery again, and man is that scary. 

"Stop scarring him. You've got about a minute until the police arrive," Peter says around his straw. 

"Cool!"

"Wade, you better leave before they get here, otherwise I'll have to bail you out," Peter pauses and takes a sip of apple juice. " _Again_." Wade isn't moving. 

"Leave in the next thirty seconds and enchiladas are back on the table for tonight." Deadpool has never fled a scene faster. 

As promised, the door flings open and a policeman stands in the doorway. There's more behind him, but he's the only one moving into the classroom. He remains in the doorway, gun raised, as he scans the room. He spots no Deadpool and a bored Peter who is pointing at the vent. The police officer sighs and lowers his gun. 

"Boy, how many times have we told you that Deadpool is dangerous and to stay away from him?"

"Obviously not enough, sir." The officer turns back the other police. 

"DP's gone and the kid isn't going to budge about it. Kid hasn't done anything warranting arrest and no one's been hurt, so we're out." Then they leave. The door closes as Peter goes back to his physics worksheet and takes another sip from the seemingly infinite juice box, ignoring the class that has erupted into stares, questions, and accusations. 


End file.
